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Relax ok, I didn’t know about the dresscode either.

Would your life be any better if you had bought the 4-wheeled suitcase instead of the 2-wheeler? You’ll never know so stop worrying about it. All you need to be very concerned about is the rising sign of Virgo-cheese making it’s way into the Aquarian-bap or so called ‘hoagie’. Astrollogers around the world are aware that the coming new year hinges on Orion’s lactose intollerance. To be safe, buy stocks in wheat and soil.

As the closing year sees a sad goodbye to right angle triangles and most varieties of salt, Jupiter will be ushering in some welcome treats such as self-polishing cat shoes and the long awaited gentleman’s pocket hammock. All party invitations should be initially turned down as a test of whether they really want you to come or not. If you need to bring wine then don’t take Bolivian white or red, it’s riddled with tadpoles. Your lucky numbers leading into the new year will no doubt bottom out around 11pm like last year and wait for you in the car, where they have quite likely been a little sick. Happy New Year.

Your Weekend Horoscope - Where’s the whisk sheath? I know you had it last.

Resolutions are hard to come by this week, times are unforgiving and the general public will not quickly forget what you did in H&M. The planets are too far away to see for this quarter and so religions will be on a 6% spin cycle for the remaining days. A ginger cat will enter your life by means of motorised scooter delivering kind words. If he needs money you should probably give it to him. No pennies.

Don’t be alarmed, try new eyebrow styles and move away from your usual Monday night kebab-a-thon. Watch a Greek film through a moving fan and remind yourself of old times. From what I read online you totally nailed it with those short denim jackets, great stuff, you look fantastic. Your lucky numbers are off the hook.

Your Weekend Horoscope - Pencils down

Get a tattoo of something Star Wars related. Bear in mind that the sun occasionally orbits Mercury and during this rotation they exchange secrets so change all of your passwords to the names of favourite dancers or bobsleigh runners. All birds have been grounded this coming week until further notice.

Get in touch with an old school friend, arrange to meet for lunch and don’t show up, this will add intrigue to your personal facebook aura and have a positive effect on google activity. Beware of any Gemini tomfoolery and accept no advice from them on taxes and diet. I’m loving these small jackets you’ve been rocking, keep working those. Brandish larger words than normal and throw in ‘barbituate’ and ‘swine-patter’ wherever appropriate. Lucky numbers remain illegal.

Your Weekend Horoscope - Finish your sandwhich, you’re a loud chewer.

As the Universe steadily continues to expand without a care you should turn your attention to the making and storing of cheese. Stay with sharper flavours and those closest to a pale cadium yellow hue. Some animals enjoy being in zoos because they can get away with more without repercussions. The rest of them are bored stiff so do something about that. Sagitarius is in labour which will cause a slight pressure drop in the northeast.

Have a go at science, it’s a lot of fun, even if it’s just magnets. Start thinking about your easter plans, with the schools closed there will be children everywhere so remember to remain armed at all times, children are criminals. All dog breeds are in play this weekend, especially Crouchfesters and Lowland Bowlers, it’ll be brilliant. Your lucky numbers this week are missing but your skin is positively glowing, you look great.

Your Weekend Horoscope - Put it down to your moustache, or lack of.

Test the wits of an old person this weekend.  They deserve respect but they get complacent and the gods will no doubt want them keen.  As Saturn begins to connect with Jupiter and form one massive planet you must focus on smaller matters.  Relationships with everyone around you will suffer on Sunday if you don’t make a 5-year plan and stick it this time.  They tire of indecision and will be less forgiving in the future.  Stay the hell away from all caged birds until the moon passes it’s 7th quarter.

Beards can finally be trusted this coming week so make the most of them.  You’re still on track and generally winning at Life.  Fresh air is a good choice but mix it up every now and then, spend some time in a tunnel.  Use someone elses’ lucky numbers.

Your Weekend Horoscope - Shoes off please

Don’t convince yourself that your haircut was a mistake, it wasn’t, it’s a slow-burner.  With Mercury and it’s soundtrack momentarily polarized, the Universe is geared towards you having the best possible time. Fortunes ride high although along the edge of destiny’s cliffs tops, so tread carefully.

This week’s dog breed will be French Bulldog, of course. You look like the business, in wool, but don’t overdo it. Curb your shoplifting and boost your whistling, your range of pitch will increase with practice. Your lucky numbers over the weekend will be “banging”.